And Her Name Was Ambian

And here's another middle-of-the-night blog posted while I'm on Ambian. Apparently, this is going to be the trend for me...at least for now.

I'm waiting for a bit to advertise my blog. Mostly, I want to to make sure I'm going to stick with it. But also? I'm in a depressive state right now, and I don't truthfully know how this blog will look to me when I level back out. I may decide I never want anyone to see it. This is one if the many problems with being bipolar.

Two weeks ago, I had somewhat of a manic episode. I say "somewhat" because I'm not sure it was necessarily induced by an internal imbalance, but more of an imbalance that I created artificially and now have to bounce back from. My best friend was in town...my first choice of drinking buddies before she moved out of state. So logically, we squeezed the partying into the brief time she was here. I don't even know how much I drank. There were half a dozen of us simply passing bottles of various liquors around a garage, drinking straight from them. There was pot going around (as an aside, I was informed that calling it "pot" is passe. Wtf do I know? I've done it all of two times in my life). My husband was less than thrilled when I called and woke him up at 4:30 in the morning for a ride home.

Likewise, I was less than thrilled when a friend from another circle started texting me at 9am for a stuffed mushroom recipe for a friend's party that night. "And oh, of course you're  invited! Why do we keep forgetting to invite you to parties until the last minute??" To be fair, it wasn't actually at 9am, though until I actually checked at this very moment, I genuinely thought it was. Apparently it was 10:30, and it was 45 minutes before I even saw it and replied...a response, I should add, was essentially "here's a Pinterest link. I can't swear it's the one I used in my current condition, nor can I make any promises about partying tonight. I have to make sure I'm not dead from last night's adventures in VodkaSinfireSchnapps Land." But I rallied. I went to the party, schmoozed, socialized, and made new friends. I also refused to drink because my body simply wasn't going to tolerate it again quite that soon.

So, over the weekend I drank a lot, got high, and partied with different groups two nights in a row.  It's a lot for my brain to process, and it didn't do a great job of it. Socializing is a weird thing for me. I'm good at it when I choose to do it, but I'm generally introverted. And socializing has an odd chemical effect on me. It's almost like getting drunk. It makes my brain race when I do too much of it. The combination of all of it in rapid succession did a number on my mind. Then as everything quieted back down throughout the week, my levels plummeted back down from the top of the rollercoaster.

And that leaves me here, blogging on Ambian in the middle of the night while my brain feels foggy.

Rae Suffers No Fools

I'll explain each of my 3 kids individually as I blog about them. Today it's about Rae.

Let me tell you about Rae. She's 11, smart as hell, animated, creative, has little filter, and is a leader a bossy little sprite who run over the top of you if you let her. Don't get me wrong, she's a compassionate and loving child. She loves to help people. But if you're being bitchy, or a dumb ass, or just generally getting on her last damn nerve, she will tell you.

Rae is one of two sisters (half-sisters, technically, which I only mention because the family dynamics matter in their stories) who my husband and I have raised most of their lives. The "why" will be explained later, in another blog post. I will say, we love those girls as if they were our own. Nieces or not, they're my daughters as far as I'm concerned.

Recently, the girls' mother reappeared in their lives after many years of absence. She's made her peace with not raising them. She's moved on and has a new life and family, states away. But the girls? They're kids, and they weren't afforded the luxury of just moving on when it comes to the woman who gave birth to them, then literally vanished for 6 years without a word beforehand.

Their mother wants to just move forward and fix things. It's not that simple. Enter Rae, bless her blunt little heart.

Yesterday, her older sister video Skyped their mother. At some point during this call, their mother says to let her talk to Rae. Rae tells her sister she's eating, but her sister blows off the statement and leaves the phone with Rae, who says hello to her mother with obvious annoyance in her voice. Her mother asks "what's with the attitude" and Rae gives a reasonable, honest answer about not wanting to be on the phone while trying to eat. Her mother persists, because Rae also had an attitude yesterday, and they're supposed to be moving forward. So if there's an issue, Rae just needs to say it and...Raina decides she's done with this conversation. She simply turns to her sister in the chair behind her and calmly says "here, take the phone" then continues eating. Just like that, she calmly and directly handled the situation by deciding to remove herself from it. And I couldn't be prouder...because it was 100% valid.

The conversation between mother and older daughter ended quickly after that, with obvious annoyance from their mother from being summarily dismissed.

I asked Rae what was up. Her aggravation was bubbling over at this point, so her voice was raised as she heatedly explained today's issue, combined with yesterday's--which apparently simply that she was chilling out, coloring, when she again had the phone and conversation pushed on her after she'd declined both.

I let her finish her explanation and let her blow off her steam. But I also let her know she wasn't in trouble with me, that it's okay, and that I just wanted to know what's up. Basically "calm down" without being dumb enough to actually utter those words to another female.

And she did calm slightly, and sighed, stating that she feels like her mother tries to make her talk when she doesn't want to, and that her mom talks forever. She simply isn't always interested in talking on the phone, and even when she does she's over it pretty quickly. She'd rather go outside and play with her friends, play Halo on the Xbox, read, color, or do whatever else pops into her 11 year old mind.

And that's okay. The girls have made a life for themselves with a circle of friends and family who love them and who they love in return. They're engaged in groups and activities. They have likes, dislikes, interests, and distinct personalities. They're figuring out who they are.

Their mother? Well, she's chosen to miss a large chunk of their lives. She made her bed, lumps and all.

A Brief and Confusing Intro

Where do I even begin?

No matter where it is, be forewarned: this blog will absolutely be nonlinear. It will sometimes be funny, possibly in an offensive way. It will sometimes be depressing. It will occasionally be manic, though usually that's under control. It will be a lot of things, and it will be 100% me. If you have some general idea of who I am, great. You have a headstart...to what? I don't know. We'll figure that out later. No clue who I am? Eh, it's cool. We can figure it out together.

Either way: welcome! I'm simultaneously happy you found your way here, but also sorry in advance.