Let me tell you about Rae. She's 11, smart as hell, animated, creative, has little filter, and is
Rae is one of two sisters (half-sisters, technically, which I only mention because the family dynamics matter in their stories) who my husband and I have raised most of their lives. The "why" will be explained later, in another blog post. I will say, we love those girls as if they were our own. Nieces or not, they're my daughters as far as I'm concerned.
Recently, the girls' mother reappeared in their lives after many years of absence. She's made her peace with not raising them. She's moved on and has a new life and family, states away. But the girls? They're kids, and they weren't afforded the luxury of just moving on when it comes to the woman who gave birth to them, then literally vanished for 6 years without a word beforehand.
Their mother wants to just move forward and fix things. It's not that simple. Enter Rae, bless her blunt little heart.
Yesterday, her older sister video Skyped their mother. At some point during this call, their mother says to let her talk to Rae. Rae tells her sister she's eating, but her sister blows off the statement and leaves the phone with Rae, who says hello to her mother with obvious annoyance in her voice. Her mother asks "what's with the attitude" and Rae gives a reasonable, honest answer about not wanting to be on the phone while trying to eat. Her mother persists, because Rae also had an attitude yesterday, and they're supposed to be moving forward. So if there's an issue, Rae just needs to say it and...Raina decides she's done with this conversation. She simply turns to her sister in the chair behind her and calmly says "here, take the phone" then continues eating. Just like that, she calmly and directly handled the situation by deciding to remove herself from it. And I couldn't be prouder...because it was 100% valid.
The conversation between mother and older daughter ended quickly after that, with obvious annoyance from their mother from being summarily dismissed.
I asked Rae what was up. Her aggravation was bubbling over at this point, so her voice was raised as she heatedly explained today's issue, combined with yesterday's--which apparently simply that she was chilling out, coloring, when she again had the phone and conversation pushed on her after she'd declined both.
I let her finish her explanation and let her blow off her steam. But I also let her know she wasn't in trouble with me, that it's okay, and that I just wanted to know what's up. Basically "calm down" without being dumb enough to actually utter those words to another female.
And she did calm slightly, and sighed, stating that she feels like her mother tries to make her talk when she doesn't want to, and that her mom talks forever. She simply isn't always interested in talking on the phone, and even when she does she's over it pretty quickly. She'd rather go outside and play with her friends, play Halo on the Xbox, read, color, or do whatever else pops into her 11 year old mind.
And that's okay. The girls have made a life for themselves with a circle of friends and family who love them and who they love in return. They're engaged in groups and activities. They have likes, dislikes, interests, and distinct personalities. They're figuring out who they are.
Their mother? Well, she's chosen to miss a large chunk of their lives. She made her bed, lumps and all.
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